but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
