I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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