I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
