I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
