I faked an abortion last night.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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