I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
