The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
