overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
pop tarts are not kleenex
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We left an ass print on the piano.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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