Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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