She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
