McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?