i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
