So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
