I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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