Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
