sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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