He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
