I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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