Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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