So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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