I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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