Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
