for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
