he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
