I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
