When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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