It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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