I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
