I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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