My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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