the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Damn victory sex feels great
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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