I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
