Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
