so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
