I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
