My pussy is not your playground.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
