Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
