Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
