I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
