The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
