It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
