i think my tv is drunk
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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