Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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