she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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