i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
