Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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