On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
