I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I feel like death gave me a hand job
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Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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