saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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