My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
