my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
