i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
