I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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