He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
