Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
