MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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