I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
