i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
