How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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