fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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