So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
